But in the midst of this desperation? I lie and listen to this on repeat. I immerse myself in the truth and the hope it offers me.
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
'Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun"
Immediately after New Wine this year I chose to actively reject God. I was so hurt by the humans and the circumstances around me that I chose to reject Him too. I chose to try and believe that He was letting me hurt and that He would hurt me too. In reality, God's love is different to the love of humans. His love is utterly overwhelming and relentless. I may have chosen to reject Him for a time but He never rejected me and He never will. Ultimately, He is the only person in life that can offer me true stability and a promise that He will never leave.
I need pretty much hourly reminders right now that this is not the end of my story. That my future is worth fighting for, that it won't always hurt this much, that I won't always feel this lonely. I'm also needing to remind myself regularly that whilst I cannot control my circumstances I can control my response to them.
"Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good"
Right now, I can't stop that I am hurting deeply, but I can choose how I respond. I can choose to fight for my future. I can choose to believe that I am worth fighting for. And if God is on my side, and God is rooting for me? Then what can I possibly have to fear.
Today I choose to keep living. Today I chose to fight for myself because God created me for more than this. Today I choose to put my faith in Him. I choose to forgive those who have hurt me. I choose to believe that I am worth fighting for.
I refuse to let this be the end of my story.
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."