I am having what I guess could be referred to as a "crisis of faith". After months of really struggling to cling to a faith that was faltering and a God who seemed absent I went to New Wine looking for refreshment...or even just a hint that I should keep on keeping on.
Instead, I got poorly. Which quite frankly sums up my year. I feel far poorlier day to day than at this point last year and that is pretty hard to come to terms with at the age of 24. Whilst I rationally and academically don't believe God wished me to be so poorly at New Wine, the emotional side of me feels punished, forgotten, neglected. And as a result I'm finding it hard not to reject faith altogether.
Since getting home I've avoided church, my bible and journal are untouched. My house is no longer filled with worship music but the faith-filled art work remains on the walls. However, despite this I have been followed by one phrase throughout the past few months...
"The best is yet to come..."
I yearn for this to be true. I long for a better, brighter future. I don't want to lose my faith - I don't remember life without faith and I'm not sure I want to. My faith is so incredibly integral to my identity that I feel pretty lost right now. It's been just over a year since I moved away from Brighton and in some ways I'm lonelier than ever before. I have always advocated for authenticity and depth in true friendship but making myself vulnerable in this way also leads to me feeling lonely due to unmet expectations. This loneliness feels even more profound without God to turn to.
I really hope the best is yet to come...I just have no idea how to start finding it.